So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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