You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
