I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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