just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
