So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
