By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
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Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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