So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
