I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I didn't notice because vodka
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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