i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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