I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
