turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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