the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
