Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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