two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
