my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
