i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he fucked my hip out of place.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
