You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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