everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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