Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
