There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
