fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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