I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
