cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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