I would go down on you faster than GM stock
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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