I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
