dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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