And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
