I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
