You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
