I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
