Im at strip club and am horny
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.