My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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