i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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