im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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