p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
