I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
