I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
