My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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