i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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