dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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