chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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