Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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