The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
