I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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