Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
