its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
