I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
