i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
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I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
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He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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