dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
