You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
