I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
