people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
