I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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